I don’t know about you, but, recently, I have enjoyed watching an entertaining spasm of populist-on-populist violence.

Perhaps “violence” is too strong a word. Populist-on-populist “animus” may be a more accurate way to describe how Canada’s two leading populist charlatans have been responding to the threat made by their populist hero – American President-elect Donald Trump – to impose 25 percent tariffs on Canadian goods and services exported to the United States.

The glorious spectacle began when Ontario’s semi-coherent premier, Doug Ford, and the slightly more articulate Conservative Party leader, self-styled tough guy and would-be prime minister, Pierre Poilievre, recognised that the inevitable meaning of Trump’s xenophobic-drenched “America First” vow translated into “Canada Last”.

So the pair of pedestrian “firebrands” were suddenly obliged to hold hastily arranged press conferences to extinguish the fire from their brands while they chastised and “distanced” themselves from an irrational felon they adore and who, if he imposes the threatened tariffs come his return to the Oval Office early next year, would reportedly devastate the Ontario and Canadian economies.

The premier was the first out of the harried rhetorical gate earlier this week, delivering a 15-minute-long anguished reaction to Trump’s proposed tariffs.

Ford’s meandering address was resounding proof not only of his flimsy command of the English language, but of a spurned lover’s gooey affection for a raging populist who appears poised to “stab” America’s dearest friend, Canada.

As if to convey the gravity of what he was about to say, a pale, shaken-looking Ford took hold of a lectern with both hands to steady himself before delivering his panic-tinged remarks.

“Last night,” Ford said, “we received the biggest threat we have ever received from our closest friend and ally [and] from President-elect Trump.”

Wow. The “biggest threat … ever”, eh? That grade A hyperbole is sure to register with the undisputed champion of unhinged hyperbole – Donald Trump.

After that bit of nonsense, Ford launched into an unhinged diatribe of his own, saying that he was insulted that Trump had “compared” Canada to Mexico.

Ford complained that Trump’s indictment of Canada was “unfair” without, of course, explaining why it was unfair.

“I can tell you, Canada is no Mexico,” Ford said with all the faux outrage he could muster.

Gone, apparently, were the happy days when Canada, Mexico, and the US were considered the “three amigos” who applauded each other’s democratic values and commitment to unhindered trade, culminating in the much-celebrated North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) renegotiated by the aforementioned “three amigos” in 2020.

Ford and much of Canada’s amnesiac establishment press – who once giddily extolled the wonderful benefits and virtues of NAFTA – have ditched one of the “amigos” to assuage a thug turned president – again.

Oh, how fleeting supposedly cherished friendships and alliances can be.

Then, Ford got to the “heart” of the matter, so to speak.

“It’s like a family member stabbing you right in the heart,” he said.

A curious aside: One has to wonder about the psychological roots of the premier’s halting choice of imagery here.

Ford could have opted for the more palpable platitude, that Trump had “stabbed Canada in the back”. Instead, he imagined that America’s soon-to-be commander-in-chief was plunging a knife into Canada’s beating heart – metaphorically speaking.

My goodness.

Ford said he has travelled frequently to the US and no one he has encountered has ever had an issue with Canada – a country most Americans know little or nothing about other than that we share the same continent.

Take that, President-elect Trump!

Ford threw Mexico under the bus – I’m sorry, given the premier’s grating lead, I couldn’t resist the cliché – insisting that the “threat” its porous border posed to Canada and the US was “serious”.

He urged Prime Minister Justin Trudeau “to do better on our borders”.

Showing his mastery of the file, the premier suggested, incorrectly, that 197 million – yes, 197 million – undocumented “foreign nationals” were crossing from Canada into the US.

Well done, sir.

Predictably and painfully, Ford reminded Trump that – cliché alert – “there is no closer ally, there is no other country in the world that has stood shoulder-to-shoulder with our American … family”.

“I am proud to stand in front of our flags, of Canada and the US,” Ford added, almost misty-eyed.

It went on like that for another 10 grovelling minutes, with the Ontario premier repeating like a metronome that while he was “insulted” by Trump’s disparaging comments and “unfair” ultimatums, Canada and the US were conjoined twins who needed one another to survive – economically speaking.

Finally, Ford agreed that despite those deep and shared patriotic ties, Canada would be obliged to retaliate if Trump makes good on his tariff gambit.

One apparently blind, easily impressed columnist praised Ford’s embarrassing performance this way: “Donald Trump’s threat of a 25-per-cent tariff … [was] an opportunity for the Ontario premier to show leadership and he’s making the most of it. Ford’s quick response to the tariff threat ‘struck the right balance between emotion and action’.”

That’s not “leadership”, it’s pandering of the most blatant and cringe-worthy order.

Speaking of cringe-worthy pandering, Canada’s prime minister in impatient waiting, Poilievre, was more muted in his criticism of his populist-stunt mentor, Trump.

An uncharacteristically subdued Poilievre droned on for more than 20 minutes in French and English about how the brewing trade dispute between Canada and the US was Trudeau’s irresponsible fault.

All Poilievre could summon from his brimming bag of school-yard epithets was that Trump’s potentially ruinous tariff hike was “unjustified”.

Boy, that’s telling him, tough guy.

Like the lifelong, calculating politician that he is, Poilievre pivoted instantly to condemn Trudeau for being caught unaware since “President Trump had been talking about it for years on the campaign trail”.

According to Poilievre, the villain in this trade drama is not Trump – a convicted villain – but Canada’s prime minister who visited Trump at his Florida Mar-a-Lago resort on Friday to mend, pardon me, fences.

Trump should have appointed Poilievre the next US ambassador to Canada given how eager a job he has been doing carrying the bully president-elect’s water.

Poilievre spent the next several minutes recycling his, by now, standard attack lines vilifying Trudeau.

He did not direct another word of condemnation towards Trump. Rather, incredibly, he defended the president-elect.

“Look, President Trump has the right to put his workers and his nation’s security first,” the MAGA fanboy said.

Pierre Poilievre is Donald Trump’s mini-me in Canada. What a disaster both countries confront in the not-too-distant offing.

The views expressed in this article are the author’s own and do not necessarily reflect Al Jazeera’s editorial stance.